Hope



by Travelling One

Email: travelling_one@yahoo.ca
Web http://travellingone.com
Summary: Can Daniel trust the SGC, and can they trust him?
Season 5
July  2008

He didn't know how this had happened, what he was doing here, where the others were.

He didn't know much of anything, except that since regaining consciousness thirty seconds ago and opening his eyes, cheek to the ground, a rigid terror had rapidly been working its way up through his body as small realizations dawned. There appeared a steady nothingness around him, that cool slick floor, shiny and pale blue, its surface visibly melting into wet ice but dry and solid to the touch. The distant walls may have been only ten feet away or a hundred, visual acuity and depth perception playing tricky games with the eyes of a human. No doubt, whatever aliens occupied this place saw no such disparity in perception. Paleness, murkiness, emptiness; he didn't know what it all was or what it all meant. He didn't know why his knees were fastened to the falsely melting floor, with two white metallic braces his fingers had no way around, through, or into. He didn't know where his clothes had gone… and he surely didn't know why.

But if scared had a touch, a tangible presence, he was its creator.

Stay calm.

How can one do that, when one was not calm to begin with?

“Hello? Anyone?” But as Daniel had already gathered, if they'd wanted to show their faces, they'd have already done so.

All he could do was lift himself up to his knees and fumble with the unforgiving knee braces, something, anything, and wait. He could kneel or he could lie prone, the vastness of the room pulsing and shrinking, and all he could know was that somewhere, his teammates were either looking for him, or they'd been captured too. And that was knowing nothing at all.

Giving up with the braces, knees aching from the pressure, Daniel lay down. Less exposed that way, the position still refused to give in to comfort or calm. All he could do was wait, aware of the cold, smooth, marble-like floor beneath his unclothed body, and try to contain his terror.

He recalled nothing. Talking with his teammates one moment; then waking up here the next.

It was not under his control to stop it; even if he'd realized in time, there would have been nothing he could do. For lying flat afforded him no vision of what was beyond his head; so silent, it could have been the swish of a non-melting floor, and so the wires, or hair-thin tendrils, or whatever sort of stiff fibres they may have been, were already entering his brain from behind before Daniel could even realize there was any threat. And by that time, he couldn't move at all.

_____

Oh, but he knew they were in there now, still, again, deep inside him, for he could feel the movement, the gentle prodding inside his head, the shifting and swaying of thread-thin fingers, like the tickling of water drops sliding down one's skin. But as much as he wanted to shake them free, rise and pull away - damaging or not he didn't even care - he was cemented to the floor, or maybe immobilized with anesthetic, but he could move his fingers and toes, or so he thought. Maybe that was an illusion too, for all he knew. All that was important, though, was that he was neutralized, and some alien technology was poking around in his head… looking for something. What? How could he stop it from discovering any classified secrets, if he didn't know what it wanted in the first place?

And then the cold took him. The sudden, shocking, icy chill that stormed through his entire body, starting with his brain, pulled him into a frigid zone of terror, a terror that even minutes and hours before had not been this strong, this all-encompassing, and his body was shaking from within.

And then the heat was blazing through him like fire, battling the chill away in such a sudden rush that sweat was pouring down onto his lips and into the slits of his tightly closed eyes, and he knew this to be his undeserving hell. Unending. This was not the first time the ice had turned into fire, nor the second. He could tell the passing of time only by encroaching thirst and hunger. Until rescue came, Daniel knew these games would continue, games not so much for the capture of his knowledge, but for the curiosity of alien experimentation. He was something new for whatever species had teleported him away from the vacant, deserted planet SG-1 had been exploring. He still had seen no one.

And at that moment Daniel knew. He knew he wasn't getting out of here by his own means, or by rescue, for his team had no idea where to look, nor would the SGC. Whatever had been watching them, wherever it was located, his team couldn't see it. Maybe it was even too far away in the skies, a ship or orbiting moon, but Daniel knew he wasn't going anywhere until these beings had satisfied their curiosity. Maybe not even then.

For all he knew, they were speeding through time and light years to somewhere no one on Earth would find for centuries.

And the cold ran like sparks of electricity, electric ice, punctuating every nerve ending in his freezing body.

_____

“Colonel! Over there!” Carter was already running back to the gate, for Daniel had not been there ten minutes ago, or two hours ago, or the day before yesterday when they'd contacted the base the first time. But he was there now.

Lying prone, unclothed, unmoving, they didn't know if he was dead.

“Jeez.” O'Neill picked up speed to zip by her, arriving first at the side of his friend, Carter and Teal'c tied for second as they reached the gate area a moment behind Jack, whose fingers were already on Daniel's carotid. Teal'c placed his jacket over Daniel's lower body, even before the relieved announcement that Daniel had a pulse.

“Get him home,” was Jack's way of telling Carter to start dialing already, and what was she waiting for, a taxi? “Where the hell did he come from?” It was a rhetorical question, one spoken solely to ease the tension and fear that Daniel was in bad shape. They knew something had whisked him away; otherwise, he'd have been there two days ago, at their sides, still chatting about the fact that one could see so far into the distance here it was like witnessing infinity. Until Daniel had walked into the distance right beside them, like walking into a transparent mist, and had suddenly just … not been there. Walked right into infinity, right before their eyes, only at the time he'd been standing, and happy, and vibrant, and he'd had his clothes on. Someone, or something, with a purpose had taken him. “God,” the whisper beneath Jack's breath was audible to the others, or was that their own minds they were hearing?

After a day of deliberation and contemplation, Hammond had finally given in to their pleas to return with Carter's classy toys, to figure out what anomalies of atmosphere were going on here. To stay until they found a missing teammate… or until further danger threatened, whichever came first. Danger, in Jack's eyes, however, had variable degrees of acceptability.

Now it was obvious it had been nothing natural.

So no one answered the rhetorical question, but Jack didn't notice or care. His fingers were still on the side of Daniel's ice cold throat - in the guise of monitoring his pulse - when the gate swooshed open.

_____

The tickly, prodding feelings inside his brain were gone, but that always happened when his brain went numb, along with the rest of him, so that meant nothing.

The pillow meant something though, along with the warmth on top of his body, and he was right-side-up, so Daniel swallowed his fear and allowed his eyes to flutter open.

“Finally.” 

Eyes trying to focus on the man at the foot of his bed, his attention to Jack's lop-sided smile was interrupted by a soft peck on his head, and Daniel turned to see Sam smiling, hovering above him. His confused but beholden, grateful emotions drowned out her words.

So. He'd been rescued. From where? Where the hell had he been? What the hell was that place? How the hell had they found it, and was he the hell okay?

“Where was I?” his voice croaked out a whisper.

“By the gate.” Jack misunderstood.

His brows crunched into a puzzled frown, and Daniel suddenly realized there'd been no rescue at all. He'd given those abductors whatever they'd needed to know, whatever they'd wanted, for as long as they'd wanted, and then they'd released him. Discarded him? Had they known someone would be there to take him home?

“Oh.” Daniel let his eyes slide closed. Home was home, though, and nothing else mattered.

“Yeah.” Jack knew Daniel knew he'd been used and tossed away. By what? By whom? MRIs showed half a dozen minute, narrow lesions in his brain. Thank goodness nothing else showed up… anywhere. Except on his knees, where there'd been two wide red marks each, above and below the joint, slowly fading now. “Where were you?”

“I don't know.”

“Uh,” Jack looked around at the confused faces of his other two teammates, and that of Janet Fraiser. “Unconscious?”

“No.” Well, yes, but just sometimes. “Chained to something in somewhere by something or someone, with filaments in my head.”

“Ah.” So Daniel knew about those. Not a pleasant way to spend three days, and Jack cringed, changing the subject in his mind, until Daniel spoke.

“They played around…in my head. Don't know what they were looking for.” And no idea what they got.

Right. Jack pursed his lips, then sucked them both inward; he knew where this was heading.

“Alright, Daniel,” came Janet's soothing voice. “You're dehydrated and you must be hungry, but I also want you to rest. Stay on base for twenty-four more hours, minimum.”

More? Daniel didn't ask how long he'd been here already. He could do rest, though.

But Jack knew there was more than that coming down the road; one more big test that Janet had not done, had no intention of doing until directly ordered. For Hammond had already told him; the Powers That Be had not liked those MRI results; no, not one little bit.

_____

“God. I'm sure there's nothing in there to find,” Daniel pouted, half pleaded, as they walked down the hall. He hoped he was being honest with himself.

“Good. Let's hope not.” Jack's voice held a crispness left over from a memory; there'd damn well better be nothing to find, for Daniel would be in trouble if there were. He latched onto his friend's upper arm to offer emotional support; Daniel knew as well as any of them what those zatarc detectors could do. He'd protested; they all had. But something had been in Daniel's head, and no one at the Pentagon was willing to take the risk. Unfortunately, even Hammond agreed with them.

“You don't have to look like you're being led to the electric chair, you know.” Hypocrite, Jack scolded himself. That's what he'd felt like, a year ago. Empathetic sweat capped his forehead at the memory. “It'll be okay,” he whispered, out of range of Colonel Vasburgh with his NID escorts, and he gripped Daniel's arm even tighter.

_____

“But I don't want to remember more,” Daniel pleaded, his eyes closed, and he could feel only the straps around his wrists and ankles and the band around his head. His body ached to be free, and a panic had started to rise minutes ago, one he was afraid he couldn't contain. He could almost feel tingly tendrils playing with parts of his brain. No, he could feel them, and he shuddered, but the trembling wouldn't stop.

“You have to continue,” and as Vasburgh's order was not a request, it made Daniel dread the next minutes even more.

“It just kept on. Ice. Fire. Dripping sensations, all through my veins. Um, uh. Prickling. It would grow stronger, like electric currents. Then everything merged together, and I guess I'd pass out. The last time I opened my eyes… I was here.” But he still wouldn't open his eyes, now, not this time. Not until they took those restraints off, not until he knew Jack's face was smiling. At least this time he knew he was fully clothed.

This time, though, finally, the ominous voice didn't utter the dreaded, repetitive, “Okay, Doctor Jackson. Let's go through this one more time.”

“Again?”

“Again.”

No, this time the words were different, and the voice resigned. “Alright, Dr. Jackson. We'll be releasing you.”

As Daniel let out a relieved breath and opened his eyes, Jack's face still was not smiling.
_____

“But you are not free to leave.”

Those echoing words still sent an icy chill up his abdomen and spine, and he felt sick. He could still hear Jack's vehement protests, futile protests, loud and vulgar, as he was shoved into this solitary cell. He'd thought these were primitive, horrifying places to be kept, when Jack had been imprisoned in one during his Touched phase, and his stomach had clenched then as well.

And for the third time in … how many days? Daniel found himself unsuccessfully fighting down his terror.

All he wanted was to go home. Home, to rest in comfort, to read, to look out the window at the sun. That's all he wanted; was it so much? Was he a threat to someone on Earth, to Earth itself? He couldn't live with himself if that was the case. Maybe he wouldn't have to, for long. Another shudder rang through him at the memory of the zatarcs; poor Lieutenant Astor; poor Martouf. And Jack and Sam; what they had gone through, suspecting but not knowing. What he had gone through, watching it all go down, his friends' lives - or sanity - on the line.

Imprisonment had been terrifying in that other place, offworld, with his knees chained to the floor and his body bare and his brain wired to alien whims. Yet imprisonment was almost worse when it was your own people doing it to you, for there was no hope of rescue here, none at all. Here, everyone knew it was happening. No one would intervene.

It hurt to remember what had happened to Sam and Jack when they'd been accused of having been compromised. Sam's state of suspension might have not ended even yet, had she not had her flash of insight. Jack may not have withstood the zatarc search and removal; no one could ever know for certain what would have become of him. What would happen to a person under such circumstances, who was not really under an alien influence? Would he have been alright? Would his brain have been mutilated, as the machine searched and searched for something that wasn't there, destroying bits and pieces along the way? But Daniel had no idea what had been done to his own mind, for he knew without a doubt that he'd passed out, and more than once; this present state of affairs, he knew, could very well be permanent. Never mind that he might, indeed, even be a zatarc - or something worse. While he'd lain there, petrified and assuming his abductors were taking information from him, they may well have been uploading something into him instead. He had left too many doubts, too many questions unanswered, during that test. The scanner had kept wavering, showing truths and then lies. No one knew what to make of it; what to make of him. No one trusted him any more.

This cell was dark. Two small lights on the walls but no windows, not unless someone opened that little hatch, and even that only allowed the dimmest of lights to filter in from the corridor. Ignoring the bunk and its uninviting mattress, Daniel slid down to sit on the floor, pulled the thin blanket over his head and knees, and tried to contain his vibrant, distraught, shivers.
_____

He was sitting there, still, when the door opened, and when it closed. He sat there when the cot creaked and the smell of soup or something hot nearly choked him. He sat there when Jack's voice said, “Brought you food.”

When the body slid down beside him, and his CO made no other sound at all, just sat close enough to feel his shoulder, Daniel sat there as well, a lump with its knees up, covered fully in an ugly gray blanket.

When Jack said, “I'll come back and we'll play chess,” Daniel finally moved.

Uncovering his head, Daniel drew in a breath, looked at the concrete floor, and took the chance. “Tell me the truth. Am I…” a zatarc? Jack knew what he meant.

“No.” Not in his mind, no.

No? “Then why am I in here?”

“NID doesn't trust that machine. It kept changing its mind. Something was going on.”

“What was going on was that I was telling the truth. But I can't tell what I didn't understand.” And he hadn't understood what those things were inside his brain, or what they were doing there, or who had abducted him. He didn't know a hell of a lot, and that was the truth.

“I know.”

“They still think I've been compromised?”

“You have been.”

“So they're… what? Going to keep me here forever? Until I don't freak out or start blasting someone? Or until I do?”

Jack shrugged. No, he wasn't supposed to tell Daniel exactly that. Wasn't supposed to tell him that NID was waiting for proof, waiting for Daniel to go mad waiting for a mission he couldn't complete, waiting for him to kill himself. The lesions in his brain were from something, and the Tok'ra now had NID vastly and amazingly more paranoid than ever. “They'll give up.” Or more likely, conveniently forget about him. 

“When? How long will I be in here?”

“I don't know.” And he didn't. “But I'll come by all the time. We'll play chess, cards. Monopoly, Scrabble, Dominoes.” Jack rose to go get all of those, and more.

Daniel nodded. “Or just bring me some books from my desk.”

_____

“Why the fuck not?” Jack was so much more than livid; if he'd been C4 those men wouldn't have dared be near, trying to intimidate and control. They wouldn't have stood a chance. “Latest MRIs showed the lesions are healing.”

“He has to believe that he's not getting out of there, that his mission has been completely thwarted. We have to do it this way if you ever want to see an end to this.”

“What mission? Daniel was experimented on by some race we never even met.” And needs medical attention and companionship, not solitary confinement. Screw you, Vasburgh. You picked the wrong teacher in Maybourne.

“You don't know that.”

“I do.”

“How? You never saw them. They may well have been Goa'uld.”

And that was that. No games, no visitors, no passing the time with a friend. They had to know once and for all… but how long would that take?

_____

Daniel had waited.

Then he had waited some more, but Jack still hadn't come.

He should never have gotten his hopes up.

Out of sight, out of mind? Was his team going offworld without him? Still, a book would have been nice. Some company, even better. He needed something to do in this tiny dark cell, something to take his mind off… his mind.

The third day, when food arrived there was a note smuggled inside the napkin, one that said, “Daniel, I tried, I swear I did. They won't let anyone see you.”

Daniel looked at the food, and the cot, and the little barred window with the sliding panel on the outside, and the note gripped tightly in his fingers, and knew for sure he could no longer hope to be free.

_____

“How is Doctor Jackson?”

Hammond's question to the marine who'd delivered the food this time earned the same answer as it had for the past five days, three times a day.

“I don't know, sir. He was just lying in bed.”

“How is Doctor Jackson, Sergeant?”

“I can't tell, sir, he didn't say anything. He was lying in bed.”

“How is Doctor Jackson, Corporal?”

“No idea, sir, we didn't talk. I think he was sleeping.”

Hammond knew what this distasteful test was meant to do, but he couldn't advise Daniel. They had to let the mind control - not that he really believed there was any, by this point - believe this was an indefinite stay, orders of the president himself. In his own eyes, the zatarc test had shown the cup to be half full, as opposed to the NID's view of half empty. Truth and uncertainty had played out equally. That had never happened before, according to the Tok'ra. Voices, namely his and Jack's, were working hard to convince TPTB, amid much disagreement, that they had no reason to keep the man locked up indefinitely.
_____

“Son.”

Daniel knew Hammond had been standing there, standing for a few moments looking at him lying on the cot, covered by the blanket, but he still didn't move. He figured Hammond had heard reports of him no longer eating, no longer moving, and he didn't give a damn. But when Hammond shuffled closer and touched his leg, Daniel squirmed away.

“Yes, I'm alive,” he stated firmly from under the covers.

“Son, I know this has been hard on you. You have to understand the precautions; you were compromised.”

When there was no response, Hammond continued. “You have to eat, Doctor Jackson.”

And Daniel didn't know whether to feel upset, deflated, or apathetic. “I do? Why?”

“Because, as you said, you're still alive. This confinement won't be forever.” That much, he knew he needed to convey. But in Daniel's eyes, “not forever” could still be a long time, longer than any programming was willing to wait.

For the first time, Daniel uncovered his face. “General…” and the pause was much longer than was comfortable in friendly company. “When I was eight and my parents died, I felt like I'd lost everything. After a few weeks, months maybe, I looked around, and realized there might still be something left for me to salvage.” Another pause, but Hammond didn't interrupt. “After playing the fool in front of my colleagues, before the Stargate program, I was out in the rain with nothing, and I felt again that I'd lost everything. At that moment, Catherine came along. Then… then, when I came back here after Abydos, after Sh… I was certain I'd lost everything, and there was SG-1 to pick me up and land me on my feet. Now, Sir, I look around.” His eyes shifted, and Hammond knew what was going on behind those eyes, knew what Daniel was seeing. There were the dark concrete walls, a barred window in a locked steel door. Colleagues who no longer trusted him; others who were no longer allowed to be near. “And now I know what it is to lose everything.” Freedom. The air, the sky, the sun. Free will and choice. Hope. All Daniel could feel was despair, that old familiar emptiness within, stronger than ever. Maybe he was just getting too tired of bouncing back. Would the NID ever let him, this time?

Hammond flinched, knowing he couldn't leave the man with that. No, son, you haven't. Colonel O'Neill has set up camp at the end of the corridor, creating an incrementally increasing list of swear words with each passing minute; he'd be a hell of a lot closer if not for the guards. Major Carter is fuming in her lab, trying to prove the zatarc detector is worthless; Teal'c has come to me five times questioning the reasoning behind your incarceration. And I've been on the red phone eight times a day on your behalf. You still have everything. This will end, son, I promise you that. Words he was not allowed to utter. Hope he was not allowed to bestow. Hammond didn't want to leave it at that… but he had to.

So he did.

Only a slight shake of his head - borne not of annoyance with the man before him but of frustration with those who deemed themselves wiser than those who worked day and night at this job, with these loyal and trustworthy people - followed him from the locked room. He could not bring himself to look back at the forlorn appearance of a good friend, the soft rustling incontestable evidence of Daniel's slow retreat under the blankets.

_____

Two days later the cell door opened, and standing there were marines, guns at their sides.

“Come with us.”

And for nearly the first time in days, Daniel stood up.

In silence he followed them. Was this another interrogation? Another zatarc test, a search-and-destroy-his-brain mission? Would they give him the choice the way they'd given one to Sam and Jack? Where was Jack? Where was his team? Were they offworld? Daniel's steps were anything but light and free.

He was led into the general's office… a room occupied by Vasburgh, Hammond, and more NID. The guards remained, and Daniel's sparse, disguised hopes of potential freedom sank. He closed his eyes in despair. “What's going on?”

The voice he knew to be Vasburgh's spoke the words as only Vasburgh - or possibly Maybourne - could. “Doctor Jackson, you're coming with us. You're to be held in a secure facility.”

More secure than the SGC? You mean, an experimental facility? Daniel felt a sharp bitter arrow impale his spirit, felt the sting at the back of his throat, and could hardly get his own words out. “What am I charged with?”

“You know as well as we do that it's for the protection of this base… and some as yet unknown element. But we'll find out.”

“No. I don't know that.” Daniel's eyes opened, beseeching the general to step in, to stop this, but Hammond only looked guilty. Daniel pulled back, touching the wall, and sank down. He couldn't stop his shoulders from shaking, felt blurring in his vision and wetness on his lashes. Couldn't stop anything this time; it came too suddenly. This, he knew without a doubt, was loss.

“Please,” he whispered. “Please don't do this.” And suddenly he couldn't stop, and he buried his face in his knees, silent sorrow overflowing. There was no dignity in being labelled a threat to his friends, to his home. There was no dignity left here to salvage. If he needed to cry… the hell with whoever might be embarrassed by watching him fall apart. The rest of the room was silent, but he didn't hear it. His head buried against his knees, he'd stopped listening.

He was vaguely aware of a body next to his, but more fully aware of a hand pressing firmly on his shoulder. “It's over,” Jack's voice said, next to his ear. “I've brought Monopoly.”

And Daniel hitched in his breath, and picked up his head. Jack was sitting beside him, head nearly touching his own, eyes intense. A hand, then lips brushed his opposite temple; Daniel turned, and there was Sam. Teal'c stood tall and serious just beyond reach, and Hammond watched from the doorway. Vasburgh and his buddies were gone, along with the guards.

“What?” Daniel managed to expel.

“They were expecting you to bolt, or something. Act up, shoot at them - or yourself. Whatever. Bit of a surprise you gave them. Anyway, bigger surprise, but they kept their part of the deal.”

“Deal?” Daniel asked, wiping the back of his hand across his eyes, his cheeks. “To leave if I didn't react ...or kill someone?”

“Yeah.” Only, they were hoping you'd try. They'll be watching.

“I'm free?” The word caught as it left his lips.

“Yeah.” The best 'yeah' Jack had offered in a long, long time.

_____

“Pull over.”

“What?”

“Stop. I want to get out.”

“Uh…” Okayyy… they were in the middle of brush country, long past the mountain. Nothing up ahead for miles but a state park. Jack cast Daniel a wary look. “You okay?”

“Yes. Stop the car.”

Jack pulled up along the edge of the road, and Daniel quickly stepped out, taking a deep breath. He leaned his back against the side of the warm vehicle, staring out across the savannah-like grasslands to the distant tips of a butte. Wisps of scrub and brush mingled with dirt, stirring in the slight breeze. A rogue wildflower sprouted near his foot, claiming its territory. Far above a hawk glided, patrolling the almost cloudless sky.

“What?” Jack sidled up next to him, watching.

“Nothing.” Couldn't he just look, for a while?

“Daniel?”

“What, don't you trust me?” No zatarc, but Daniel felt he might forever have something to prove. Nothing was in him, no programming, no techno spy. His last MRI had even shown the lesions to be barely visible, almost fully healed. How could one prove nothingness, to someone who couldn't see it?

“You know I do. I trusted you from the minute we found you lying at the gate.”

Or you wouldn't be here with me now. Daniel nodded, still searching the vastness. Those words were better than any gifts or grants he'd ever received. No money could buy trust. He believed Jack.

“So what are we doing out here?” Jack tried again.

If Jack trusted him, he could risk sounding… flaky. “Me, I'm filling up on hope. You, you're standing there impatiently waiting for me.”

“Come again?”

“I had a lot of time on that planet, in that… place… to feel despair, Jack. I didn't expect a rescue…” and didn't get one. “I was a psychological mess. Really, really scared.”

“I know.”

“Then when my own people didn't trust me, locked me up, I experienced such overwhelming regret and desperation I felt as though I could hardly breathe. I didn't even know if I wanted to. But out here - in this openness, this infinite space - out here, with... someone who believes in me, it feels like hope. Let me enjoy it.”

“Hope.”

Daniel shrugged, with a wistful smirk. He'd almost cringed at the word. “Sound stupid?”

“Nope.” Jack rested a hand on Daniel's back. “Hope's good. I like hope. Take all you want. And by the way, I'm not impatient.”

They stood there, for what seemed like infinity. Even so, the sun didn't move.

Finally, Daniel sighed and turned to open the car door. He slid inside as Jack trekked around to the driver's side and did the same.

Jack clicked his seatbelt into place, then paused, hesitant. “So…” he looked sideways at his friend, and started the motor. “Got enough now?”

“I do.” Daniel nodded. “Yes, for a change. Finally. I do.”



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Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, etc. I've written this story for entertainment purposes only.