_____Daniel_____
Whiteness. Transporting him to wherever he needed to be, on
the wings of thought. He'd learned that bit recently, about the
power of his own thoughts, a lesson that was controlled by the
instructors, for one was only given the power of thought when
one's thoughts proved to be…pure benevolence. Although it
was unlikely that one would be in this place at all, if their
thoughts were much less in the first place. They'd been
correct; to come here, one must first free themselves of the
burdens of anger and hatred.
He'd been practicing this lesson above all others,
recently…for Daniel was being drawn, like a magnet, back
to Kheb.
_______________
They all saw it, no one noticing first, and three heads
looked up simultaneously, for it seemed to come straight out of
the ceiling…a cloud, a wispy whiteness, and it grew more
and more brilliant, until the light was hovering just above the
floor, and in its midst this brilliance started to fade,
slowly…
"Oma Desala?" Jack verbalized in hushed tones, wishing for,
yet not expecting, it to be something ... someone... else .
They observed, eyes unmoving off the fading light, as
gradually a form began to take shape, to darken, to
materialize, to gain substance. Memories of a monk; had he been
real, or centuries old, sent for seekers? The moments stood
still, the team's expressions mirroring one another's, staring,
unblinking… at the now nearly solid form of Daniel,
wrapped in flowing robes of golden peach.
"Oh god." Sam's whispered gasp caused Teal'c to turn towards
her. She looked faint, and he grasped her lower arm.
"D…Daniel?" Jack was struggling, again, to hold back
his emotions.
The apparition was mouthing words, but there was silence.
His lips were moving, yet no sound came forth.
"We are unable to hear you, Daniel Jackson." Thank goodness
Teal'c was still in control of his voice, thought Jack.
A faint smile, and the vision closed its eyes. Remaining
like that for moments, seemingly in intense concentration, the
form of Daniel fully touched the floor, and became stronger.
Eyes remaining closed, becoming stronger still…and then
Daniel was as solid as the rest of SG-1.
"God that was hard," he smiled.
Sam's hand flew to her mouth, eyebrows lowered in tension;
she really really didn't want to cry.
"Is that you, Daniel Jackson?" Yes, thank goodness Teal'c
was still in control of his voice.
Daniel stared in disbelief. He'd…he'd done it! Somehow,
some way, he'd made contact with his team. No, with his
family. "It is, Teal'c," he whispered. Feelings, that he
hadn't had for a very long time now, and they were nearly
overwhelming.
"Are you…are you, uh, solid?" Jack found his voice.
Daniel looked down at himself. "I, um, I seem to be, Jack.
I've never done this before," he replied with that quick
half-smile they remembered too well.
"Good. Then I can do this." Jack moved forward, tentatively
placing his hands on Daniel's shoulder. Feeling a solid human
body beneath his touch, he enclosed his…friend…in a
thick embrace. If this was good-bye, this time he would damn
well make it worth it.
Daniel found himself being enclosed from all sides. Yes,
this was what he'd been missing - people who could make him
feel special, and most of all, people who needed him.
It was a while before any of them were willing to pull
away.
"Daniel…" Jack had one thing in particular he needed to
say to his friend. "Thank you for The Skies of
March."
Daniel's wide blue eyes held onto Jack for a long moment. So
they had made contact. "Thought you'd like it," he
smiled.
"Daniel…you don't …can you…" Sam couldn't
express what she wanted to know. Didn't want to know what she
thought she'd hear.
"Are you restricted to remaining on Kheb, Daniel
Jackson?"
Yes, thought Sam. That was it.
"Um, I'm not sure, Teal'c."
"How…how are you doing, Daniel?" Jack bit his bottom
lip.
"Good. Uh, not bad. They've taken care of me. Fixed me up,"
Daniel grinned, indicating his body. "It's amazing out there,
fascinating."
"Why'd you come here today?" Jack had to know what was going
on.
Daniel considered his reply. "You called me."
"You called me."
"That too."
The three members of SG-1 silently observed their former
friend, glad beyond words to be able to speak with him, to see
that he was alright, laden with grief that they would have to
leave him again. But if they knew that they could see him
sometimes, maybe…just maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.
"Fascinating, huh? So…you like it …up there?" Jack
tried a new approach. He was getting at something, just didn't
know quite how.
"I miss you guys like crazy."
That was it, what he needed to hear. Jack muttered this
quickly. "Come back with us."
Three figures caught their breath, wanting to hear this
question, wanting to hear the answer, not wanting to hear the
answer. Not wanting to be rejected.
Daniel closed his eyes, mentally exploring his semi-new
body. He could feel the light pulsating within. It was keepng a
tight hold on his concentration, this physical state of being.
"I don't think I can."
"Try."
"I'm not sure that I know enough about this. I need to learn
how to do this properly, or even if it's possible. I'm not sure
if I…want to." Even looking at their grief-stricken faces,
beautiful desperate faces, he couldn't forget the lure of the
light…
"Oh." That was different.
"Permanently, I mean. Do you, um, think I'd be allowed to
come for a, um, a visit?"
_______________
"Oma went through, so did you," Jack commented with
optimism.
"As light entities, Jack."
"Sir, we don't know if Daniel will exit with his physical
body or not, but that's not the only thing we have to consider.
He might just lose himself in the wormhole if he transforms
within it."
They neared the Stargate with extreme trepidation. Jack's
wisecracks had been accepted as his means of relief and
releasing tension, his sideways glances at Daniel and frequent
grins giving away any secrets he'd been intent on concealing.
Carter never left Daniel's side, her arm sneaking up to his
every few moments. Even Teal'c could not seem to keep his eyes
off his old friend. Approaching the gate now, no one knew the
consequences of what the energy fields would bring.
Daniel's own hold on his current state was tenuous. He knew
he hadn't been there long enough to know what he was
doing. Maybe it was too soon. Maybe Oma would be angry. Maybe
this was irresponsible. Maybe this wasn't even possible. Why
hadn't she told him, if he could someday go home?
"Daniel Jackson. You must now decide if this is worth the
attempt." Teal'c studied Daniel's face as the vortex splashed
outwards. He had frequently seen his young friend without his
spectacles, but there was something different about Daniel's
features now…they were … softer, gentler than they'd
been in a long while, almost radiant. Perhaps he should remain,
as he seemed to be doing so well…
Throughout the journey to the gate, Daniel had pondered that
same question. Did he have the nerve to try this? At least,
here with Oma and her enlightened band of wisdom teachers, he
was alive, accepted, honoured, fulfilled. Fulfilled? He
could still feel Sam touching his arm, so very gently. The look
in Jack's eyes the moment he'd materialized, well, he couldn't
forget that. Couldn't get enough of that. That had been
fulfilling, for a few moments. He needed to be needed.
"I'm giving it a try, Teal'c. If it doesn't work, then I
guess I'll never know."
"And we'll have killed you again?" Jack lifted his
eyebrows.
"My choice, Jack."
"And you'll have killed yourself again?" Holy freakin'
donuts, was he joking about this now? Maybe now was still too
soon.
Daniel closed his eyes, feeling the light pulsating within
him once more. "Come on," he said, taking hold of Sam and
Jack's arms. "Let's do this."
_______________
PART THREE
The wide open mouths and eyes, the silence in the room, the
complete and total stillness as not a single person twitched a
finger, was enough to encase Jack's face in a wide grin as four
teammates stepped through the wormhole into the embarkation
room. Jack nonchalantly strode down the ramp. "Got what I went
for, General," he pompously declared.
General Hammond found his voice. "Doctor Jackson?"
"At a loss for words, sir?" Jack couldn't stop grinning.
"How is this possible?"
"Um…good to see you, sir. Actually, I don't know how
long it's possible for," Daniel already felt his
strength seriously waning, as his teammates stared at his body
and Jack's smile suddenly faded. Looking down, Daniel realized
he was losing his control. Wisps of light emanated from his
robes.
This time, the silence was from concern, uncertainty,
anxiety.
Daniel closed his eyes, taking long moments to concentrate,
to focus. He really didn't know how to do this properly. Maybe
this was a mistake. No, how could it be a mistake when he'd get
to see his old friends, spend a bit of time? He knew he'd be
going back, eventually, anyway. Just …he just had to keep
his concentration for a few hours; that would be good enough,
that would be something.
His body settled, and he could sense the release of breaths
around him. Perhaps his own had been included in that sound,
somewhere.
"Daniel? You okay?"
Daniel smiled at the words he hadn't heard in way too long.
"Seems so, Jack." His smile faded. "But I don't think I can do
this for more than a few hours." More than he'd realized, those
words saddened him. Maybe he wanted this more than he'd let
himself believe.
"Come, Daniel. Where do you want to go first? Commissary,
for real people food? Hey, what do you eat up there,
anyway?"
Food. Daniel hadn't considered that. He wasn't hungry; this
body probably wasn't as real as they thought. Group illusion?
No, they'd hugged him. He had substance.
"I'd like to see what the archaeologists are working on in
the labs." Already he could feel the curiosity flowing. This
was exciting; this was his love…
_______________
Daniel walked around the artifacts that had been
recovered since he'd…been gone. Interesting, that one was
unusual. "What's this writing?"
"No one has been able to figure that out yet, sir," a lab
technician he'd never met before eyed him with interest.
"Sir…uh, no. Hi, I'm Daniel," Daniel held out his hand
to the man. I was Daniel. I am Daniel.
"I've heard about you, s…Daniel. A pleasure."
Well, his story had certainly spread around the base, he
realized.
Taking another look at the artifact, Daniel recognized some
symbols. "Try Futhark, a Proto-Canaanite runic script," he
suggested, moving on, as the scientist frowned, looking once
again at the piece before him. "
Sam caught Jack's eye. "P4X 353, sir?"
Jack paused. Sure, why not? "Daniel, we'd like you to listen
to something."
They'd gone to 353 two weeks before, a promising industrial
market town. The potential for trade had seemed hopeful, except
that no one could communicate. They'd made tapes of the
language, taken it back to the SGC. None of the linguists or
historians on base had been able to make headway.
Daniel listened to the recording. "Tandian and Mayan," he
commented.
"Tandian?" Sam queried. "That planet we were on a couple of
years ago, where that family cooked us a meal in their
pyramidal home?"
"Their language was closer to ancient Mixtec, a Mesoamerican
culture," Daniel explained, "But this seems to be a derivation
of it, mixed with Mayan vocabulary. I recorded as much of the
language as I could, just check my files."
The others in the room stared wide-eyed. "Daniel," Sam
began, "do you know how long we would've had to be working on
this?"
Daniel might have felt pride, another day, at another time.
But now, he was overwhelmed with sorrow, a feeling he had
seldom had since acquiring his new home. A sorrow that
indicated he was no longer part of this. He lived, no,
resided, now, in a place where all answers are known if
only one knows how to look. Where the only curiosity needed is
the wonder of how to keep replacing one's body at will. That
wasn't living, was it? He shook the thoughts out of his
head. What gave him the right to complain? He wasn't
supposed to be living. He was supposed to be
dead.
Jack knew they needed this man. He needed him, Sam
needed him, the department needed him, the SGC needed him,
Earth needed him; okay, he could go on but that was getting a
bit redundant. He'd somehow find a way for Daniel to stay. Sam
could figure it out, or Doc Frasier. Oma didn't need Daniel,
and for crying out loud, they did. Whether the man
wanted to stay or not, he'd soon come to see the light. Oh, bad
choice of words.
Daniel looked around the room, at all the faces he had known
so well and had tried so hard to forget, his friends and the
few faces of former acquaintances and strangers, seated at
their tables, or wandering the room. This place, so foreign and
different now, felt strangely like home. He needed to go back,
to learn more, so that he could return again.
His friends saw the wispy light, fainter than before.
"I think I need to go back now."
Daniel's face held a gentle sorrow; he knew the heartache
could not be handled again and again. No, this could very well
be the last time he would come.
"Daniel Jackson. Perhaps you would benefit from joining me
in kel'no'reem?"
Daniel knew Teal'c was asking… sure, as a friend
offering a solution, yet he felt as well that Teal'c needed his
company. A final and parting good-bye, a shared journey into
the meditative state, into Teal'c's own means of
rejuvenation.
"You're right, Teal'c. And I'd be honoured to accompany
you." Nodding softly to the two friends who would not be part
of the next hour or two, and who wanted to be with him as much
as Teal'c did, he promised, "We'll have a bit of time
afterwards."
But Sam and Jack followed.
"Kel'no'reem. Always been meaning to try that again," Jack
retorted. If he had half a day with Daniel, he was damn well
going to keep his friend in sight.
_______________
The lightness inside his head was comfortable, a place
he was now familiar with. His body didn't feel natural; it was
heavy, and to shed it even within his mind was a comfort. He
could hear voices, see brightness…someone was
there…Oma…Oma was there, and …and…Jack? Oma
was talking to Jack? Daniel strained to hear what they were
saying, but all he could hear were
songs…singing…choral voices, drowning out his
thoughts…
Whoa! Cool, he hadn't known he could actually do this, this
kel'no'reem thing. Other than when Daniel had communicated with
him on his deathbed, well, that was…they were connected,
then, in friendship, in mutual admiration, in love and deep
respect. But now, here he was, talking with Oma? Not really in
words, she had more like entered his brain…but that's what
meditation was supposed to be, no?
Focus. Listen. Hear her. Those soft, gentle, penetrating
eyes, harmonizing with his soul…no wonder Daniel was so
mesmerized.
'Let him go. You are holding on, and Daniel cannot let go
of this life. He is not learning quickly; he is distracted. You
have been calling to him, holding him back. Daniel will not
succeed until you allow yourself to let him go.'
Jack knew she was speaking the truth. 'He's my friend. I
miss him.'
Her eyes were kind. 'He misses you. He feels pulled in
two directions, and is unsure if he has chosen correctly. You
must aid him, convince him that he has done the right thing, or
he will be trapped in his body and unable to release himself.
His learnings will be ended, his quest for our knowledge
unattainable.'
'What do you mean, trapped inside his body? Are you
saying he could stay with us? But he was irreparably damaged,
his real body is gone.'
'You know of many races with powerful healing tools. You
have seen the abilities of my race, Jack O'Neill. Do you think
we could not heal the body of the one you so cherish? He has
already been healed. He retains his body even now. Along with
this we have offered him a new path, one that he is in
desperate need to follow. That need is a great burning desire
within him, yet he has not enjoyed his invitation. His
development has been greatly hindered by his ties to his former
home. Please. Think of what you must do for your friend.
Release him, then he can decide freely. He must not choose
because of you. If you are to set him free, do so before the
next sunset. Do what you feel is best for Daniel, not for
yourself. If you wish not to hinder his development, you must
set him free.'
Release him. Before the next sunset. That still gave him
almost six hours with his friend.
_____
"The meditation worked wonders, Teal'c. Thank you for
inviting me." Daniel felt much more solid than he had before.
He was not in a hurry to get back to Kheb, back to his own
land, and re-experience the loss and heartache. He knew he
would be enveloped in love and enlightening strengths when he
returned, but it just wasn't the same as Sam's arm touching
his…
"My place?" Jack asked hopefully."Everyone, for a short
tribute to old times?"
"Will they let me off the base, Jack?"
"Is it advisable for Daniel Jackson to leave the base,
O'Neill? His proximity to the Stargate might be wise."
Yeah, they were right in their own eyes, but Jack knew that
Daniel had at least until 9 pm. He wasn't going to tell them of
his ultimatum, though. That was a bit embarrassing; he'd have
to acknowledge a few things first.
"If Daniel thinks he needs to get back, we'll come back.
Can't you do that kel'no'reem thing again if he starts to fade
on us?"
Daniel really did want to get off the base, to see some part
of his former life, real life. "We can try, Teal'c.
Jack, I'd like to go back to your place for a short while."
"Great, it's settled then. I'll go clear it with
Hammond."
_______________
While General Hammond had not thought it a wise idea, he
knew how important this was to SG-1. With Jack's promise of
permanent and eternal obedience if anything went wrong, the
four were now cosily ensconced in Jack's living room. What
small price for having Daniel back where his ghost still
lingered. Jack had had to get him back here, to wipe out those
ghosts. The memories would remain forever, he knew, but maybe
at least now he could stop making two of everything, stop
talking to a missing companion.
"Beer, anyone,to go with the pizzas?" Jack returned from the
kitchen with the plates.
"None for me, Jack," Daniel grinned.
"Ya sure? You might be able to handle it, you know," Jack
retorted jovially. A drunken light…no, no jokes. Daniel
was here with them right now, alive, if only temporarily, and
that's what he was tryiing to add to his memories.
"No, I never liked it much anyway. Although," Daniel added,
"sometimes I still think of it, for some weird reason."
"You do?"
"Yeah…like I'm watching you drink it, or something. Or
you're offering it to me."
Jack's eyes narrowed. Oh hell. Let him go, Jack.
The evening was passing too quickly, and while Daniel
neither ate nor drank, he felt well. Memories surfaced, were
brought to light in easy reminiscences, a hope in the air, a
thankfulness that they had had this one last farewell with the
friend who had so tragically and suddenly left that no joy had
remained in their hearts. They needed this evening, to watch
Daniel, to hear his gentle voice, to caringly and sincerely be
with him for one last time. And the hope lingered in their
hearts that maybe one day they could do this again. Maybe this
was not really the final farewell?
Jack watched the clock, watched the sun moving lower in the
sky. It would be dark in about two hours. He had to get Daniel
back to the base soon, back to the Stargate. Back home. Had to
tell him. Had to finally let him go.
"Daniel…could I speak to you a minute?" Jack tilted his
head towards the kitchen.
Daniel stood up, to the glances of Sam and Teal'c, and
followed Jack into the kitchen. They probably understood.
At first, there was silence.
"I've missed you."
"I missed you guys too."
"Tell me, Daniel. If you could stay here, would you?"
Daniel was about to respond, then caught himself. If he said
yes, then when the inevitable time came to leave wouldn't Jack
feel sorrow, pain, helplessness? What would be the point to
admitting to a desire for an unattainable goal? No. He could
make it easier on them all right now. He would do what
was right.
"No. I… I think I need to be there.
It's…incredible there. Every answer to every question of
the universe is open to our minds, and all we have to do is
learn to access the information. I'm still in the process of
learning," though not very well, Daniel added
silently.
Oh. Then tell him he'd better be getting back, in an hour
or so.
"I talk to you, you know. All the time. I see you on the
roof looking at the stars, I see you in the garden watching the
chipmunks." And while he was confessing, he may as well admit
to one more thing. "I make you cups of coffee." Ouch. That was
embarrassing.
Daniel heard the words, didn't know what to say. That he'd
love to stay if he could? Spend another night looking at the
stars? Join the team and save the archaeologists on base weeks
of translation work in languages they'd never encountered?
"I'm sorry." Sorry I hurt you so badly, Jack. Sorry I can't
be there to listen when you need my friendship.
"Yeah. So am I." Maybe Daniel didn't want to stay, but
seeing him here now, standing in his kitchen, chatting as if
all were natural, Jack hadn't figured out a way to let him go.
No. He wasn't going to tell Daniel. Let him stay; find
out what Oma meant by that.
The sun was sinking, dusk approaching to signal an end to
the long summer day. Back with the others, laughing, joking,
enjoying each other's presence, each time Jack caught Daniel's
glance in the conversation, he found himself guiltily looking
away.
So what. He could live with guilt, if it meant he'd get to
keep his friend. Oma had said Daniel could stay, that he'd
missed them. Daniel had admitted he'd missed them all too. So,
what was so terrible?
Sam seemed so happy. It was worth it to make her happy.
She'd already commented a half dozen times that Daniel had been
well for several hours, had not seemed to fade into light.
Teal'c had replied that Daniel must be getting a handle on this
concentration crap, although Teal'c had used a more suitable
word. Daniel had jokingly attributed his healthy state to
kel'no'reem.
"Jack? You've been awfully quiet for a while. You okay?"
"Yeah." Just thinking about you going back, Danny. Or not
going back. Not going back because your friend kind of
kidnapped you. Kind of didn't give you the choice that would
alter the course of the rest of your life. Not going back
because your selfish friend couldn't handle it.
Daniel would get back to Kheb, close his eyes, concentrate
on the light, and find he couldn't become one with it any more.
He'd hate them, forever. Stranded forever at the SGC. And the
next time he died, Oma wouldn't come and rescue his butt.
Jack knew he'd crossed the line this time, taking matters
into his own hands, and he'd gone too far.
Shit.
He'd found a way to let Daniel go.
"Daniel…can I talk to you a minute?" Jack motioned,
heading towards the kitchen.
Daniel followed.
At first there was silence.
"Daniel…we have to get you back to the base."
Daniel was confused. "Why? I still feel fine. We're having a
good time here, Jack."
"Shit. I know, Daniel…but there's something I didn't
tell you."
Daniel remained silent, looking into Jack's eyes with his
own wide puzzled ones. Oh how Jack remembered that look.
"Daniel….when you were doing kel'no'reem, I kind of had
a vision from Oma. She gave me a message for you."
"You did? Oh…I saw you two talking but couldn't hear
what you were saying."
"She said you had to decide by sunset whether you wanted to
stay or not. She said you could stay here if you want, you're
cured and all."
Daniel's eyes opened even wider; felt his heart leaping.
"And you didn't tell me this…why?"
"Because you wanted to leave. And I wanted to keep you
here." He shrugged, looking lost, repentant.
"And you're telling me now…why?"
"Because it's your choice to make, Daniel, not mine.
Oma knew I had to be the one to realize that. She said I
had…trouble letting you go."
"Oh."
"So we can go now. There's just under an hour."
"No."
It was Jack's turn now to be surprised. "No?"
"No. If I'd known I could stay, I would've told you a hell
of a long time before now."
Daniel wanted to stay? Here? On Earth?
"Why'd you say you wanted to go back?"
"So you wouldn't feel guilty and helpless in the face of the
inevitable. So you'd think I was where I wanted to be, and be
happy for me. So you wouldn't miss me any more."
"Damnit, Daniel, you're a fool."
"So are you."
"Yeah." They both broke into grins.
"You're sure? I can stay?"
"Why do you want to? What about all that knowledge?"
"Boring. It comes too easily. No need to use my skills. I'll
admit, Jack, my reasoning powers are a lot better than my
mental light tricks. Maybe I can show you some time…?"
"Nope. They're gone."
"You sure?"
"Oma said so."
"So if I don't go back tonight, I'm staying for good?"
Daniel was still grinning. He couldn't believe this was
true.
"Unless she lies. So…if you stay the night, in the
morning I'll be able to ask you the question I've been dying to
hear you answer since this happened."
"What's that?"
"What do you want for breakfast?"
_____
The room was still swathed in blackness when Jack abruptly
awoke, and, opening a tired eye a crack, he noted that his
clock read 5:36 am. A sick feeling welled up inside him, and
the realization hit forcefully that Daniel…
No.
No, it wasn't a dream, not any more.
Jack sank back in relief, resting comfortably in his pillow.
No more horrible feelings upon awakening.
Daniel was back.
back home
